Never make a decision when you are at your lowest point

For quite some time now, I’ve been struggling with writing this and sharing it on my blog and social media. I am a grateful believer in Christ who struggles with mental health issues and throughout this year (2020), I have also struggled with suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-harm. I hate admitting this but the truth sets you free. I know I’m not alone in my struggles because other Facebook friends have shared these struggles and people in Celebrate Recovery (CR) have talked about relapsing during this time. So, why should I feel ashamed to admit these struggles? I feel like I’ve failed as a Christian and a Celebrate Recovery leader. I often think that in order to be an effective leader, I need to have it together even though that is not what I tell people. I remind others that being a Christian does not guarantee a struggle-free life. Even Jesus told His followers that “in this world, you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

This year has been full of tribulation for all of us worldwide. This COVID-19 pandemic has caused many businesses to shut down or operate at partial capacity which has resulted in millions of people out of work. In March, I got laid off from my part-time job as a writing tutor at my local community college because part-timers were not considered essential. However, I tutored a few of my regulars over the phone and via email while collecting unemployment for five months. Social gatherings and attending church in-person were out of the question for nearly three months. Even when I could return to church (operating at partial capacity) in June, I chose not to attend for my mother’s sake. However, I informed her that I needed to be at Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights for my own sanity and as a leader, I felt it was my duty to be there. I reassured Mom that we operated at partial capacity, socially distanced, and wore masks. The church provided lots of hand sanitizer and disposable masks. In October, I stopped attending CR due to increasing cases and just to ease my mother's concerns about my being around others. Being able to attend CR helped me through the tough times, but inside I was struggling with depression and anxiety. I started experiencing suicidal thoughts. I was also angry at the circumstances of getting laid off and the differing views of this COVID. A number of people in my social circle believed COVID to be hyped up and blown out of proportion because this year happened to be a presidential election year. Our governor kept the state from fully reopening while many other states allowed students to return to school and play sports. Hundreds of small businesses throughout the state had to shut down permanently. Our suicide rate is the highest in the nation which breaks my heart. I’ve had to fight to keep myself from becoming another suicide statistic.

After attempting suicide 20 years ago, I vowed that I would never attempt it again no matter how horrible my life seemed. My biggest worries this year were the status of my job, the almost relationship which turned out to be the wrong thing for me, and wondering when we could return to normal. In spite of experiencing suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety this year, my life has not been nearly as horrible as it was during my first marriage. I know things could be a lot worse for me. In spite of not being employed for five months, I collected unemployment weekly and qualified for the extra $600/week from the federal government. I put the majority of that money into savings and my IRA. I’ve been living at home for 13 years, so I haven’t had to pay rent or utilities. I have very few bills to pay. Mom and I get along great. I could still go for walks and take my dog to the dog park when it reopened in May.

It may seem like I’ve got it good compared to a lot of people, but that still did not stop the depression from happening. I prayed constantly even though these prayers were not eloquent, long-drawn-out prayers. I listened to church sermons online and attended online Bible studies, but I just could not concentrate until recently. So, the suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety are not due to a lack of faith. You have no idea how much I have cried out to God and just plain cried. I’ve had to reset my mind this year. The main verses I have meditated on are “God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7) and Jeremiah 29:11 which is one of the most overly used verses found on coffee cups. I also turned to the Psalms which reminded me that crying out to God is acceptable. That’s exactly what King David did and he realized he could also praise God through the trials he faced.

I have learned that whenever my mental health is out of whack, I am not looking at the big picture of life. What we have all faced this year is only temporary. We will not always live in fear of getting COVID now that the vaccine is here. We will not always wear masks and social distance from each other. The unemployed will have jobs again. Things will improve because God’s Word says so. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV).