Not My Will, But His Will

“Maybe now is not the time for you to be praying about this. Instead, just pray for God’s will to be done.” Words of wisdom from my mother

I am at that place in my life right now where I don’t know exactly what to pray about for myself, except that God’s will be done. I remember being in that place over six years ago when my father battled cancer. Lots of people prayed for complete healing for him and that he would live. While seeing him suffer and shrink from being six-foot-one down to my height of five-seven, I didn’t want to see him in pain. I couldn’t pray for him to continue living if that meant he would remain in pain and have a diminished quality of life. Instead, I prayed the same prayer Jesus prayed while He was in the Garden of Gethsemane: “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). Even though I had been a rededicated believer since my 20’s, I had never prayed this way before. Yes, I wanted my father to live longer. I wanted him to see me publish my books, see me graduate with my bachelor’s from college, and hopefully see me get married and give him human grandchildren. His complete healing came as he entered Heaven on May 18, 2013. As much as I miss my daddy, I am grateful that he no longer suffers and his life is in God’s hands.

Now, I struggle with bouncing back from a major disappointment. Am I not praying for God to make this one dream happen because I don’t believe He will make it happen? I blew my chance at love, so is it too late? Or maybe, I’m not praying for this to happen because I believe it will happen in God’s timing and I realize that all the praying in my world is not going to speed things up. If I want to have a baby at my age (which I’m on the fence about), then I should be more fervent in my prayers and proactive about finding love. Surprisingly, I don’t feel as rushed about this like I did in my 30’s because now I realize that God is not in a hurry. So why should I be? I spent most of my single years (between my divorce and before dating my ex) fervently praying for a husband and children. The dream of marriage and family became my idol and consumed my thoughts and conversations. I don’t want to be consumed by my hopes and dreams anymore. I’ve learned that idolatry equals idleness. In spite of outwardly living the Christian life and doing all the right Christian things, this idol of marriage caused me to remain idle in my walk with God and my life. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere in life. I was too focused on the future instead of living in the present.

As a single-again person, I don’t want to waste my energy looking for love and fervently praying for it to happen. I want to use this time to serve God and enjoy my life as it is right now. Who knows how much longer I’ll have to enjoy the freedom of singleness? I don’t know, so I’m making the most of it and trying to live one day at a time.