Broken Dreams

It has been almost one year since my broken engagement. I thought I would feel better and be completely over this loss. Yet, in some ways I don’t consider this a loss because he and I are much better as friends than as boyfriend/girlfriend. Right now, that’s not the issue. The issue is that what I had prayed for, for so many years almost came true, then it was over.

I did not expect to find myself single again in my early 40’s and still childless. Had I experienced this several years ago, I would have felt like a failure, a loser, unwanted, undesirable, and useless. Most of the time, I don’t feel like those things. For the most part, I am content being single at 43, but I have my days where I wonder if I am meant to remain single permanently. If so, then at least I am free to do whatever I want with my life and I am free to serve God wholeheartedly.

Have I given up on the dream? Right now, I’m in a place where I don’t see the use in praying for this dream anymore. All the praying in the world is not going to make things happen any quicker than if I didn’t pray about it. It took 13 years of prayer before I finally met my ex-fiance and started dating him. I just don’t want to go through this process of praying about it again. I believe I can still bear children, but if the husband doesn’t come until after my eggs are gone, that’s okay. We can always adopt or if he has kids to raise, that would be great too.

I’ve also learned that there’s more to life than marriage and family. I still have my mother, friends, family, my Celebrate Recovery and church families, so why do I need a husband? I’ve got Jesus. Shouldn’t that be enough? I want to focus on what I have in my life right now rather than spend time praying for something that is not in my control and will happen if it’s God’s will and in His timing. It may seem that I’m giving up on this long-held dream, but I don’t really know where I’m at right now. I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t anticipate it. I don’t want to get anxious about it and I’m tired of analyzing about it. I just want to accept things as they are. What I need to do is to NOT settle for the mindset of “This is as good as it gets.” I’ve been feeling that way lately because I dealt with a disappointment and a detour in my life. I don’t want to be consumed by these broken dreams so I’m giving them to God.

I’m not in a place where I want to pray for a husband and a family, but other people have been praying for me and I thank you all. When my faith is lacking in that area, others are lifting me up. I just want to focus on other things such as my relationship with God, my writing career, Celebrate Recovery, and whatever else that happens to be part of my life right now.