#YouAreEnough30 Challenge: Day 26

Day 26: In Chapter Nineteen, I share the story of a dear friend who took her own life. Talk about how suicide has touched your life or the life of someone dear to you.

November 26: Almost fourteen years ago, my friend’s brother shot himself in front of his cheating girlfriend. According to my friend, her brother did not know the gun (which he had in his truck and used for hunting) was loaded and during a fight with his girlfriend, he threatened he would shoot himself. She didn’t believe he would do it but, unfortunately, he did. I believe that Brad (not his real name) did not intend to kill himself. He was such a great guy and when my friend and I were teenagers, Brad was six years younger than us. He had a huge crush on me for years. Any time I stayed over at their house, he would follow me around and once tried to kiss me.

So, I was heartbroken when Brad unintentionally killed himself. For the first time in my life, I understood the effects that suicide had on the loved ones left behind. My friend’s parents were beyond devastated and my friend’s eight-year-old son had a hard time understanding why his uncle died. A few years ago, my friend told me she still found it hard to not have her baby brother around. Even though Brad was part of my life for a season, his death left an impact on me that I cannot describe.

His death conjured up memories of my own suicide attempt in May 2000. Had my suicide attempt succeeded, I would have left many people heartbroken and devastated. At the time I tried to end my life, I was more focused on ending my current pain from an unhappy marriage. I believed it was better for me to be dead than to be divorced. Being divorced meant that I failed, but being dead only meant that I was no longer around.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. After overdosing on my prescription medication, I immediately realized what a horrible and scary thing I had done. As miserable as I was with my life, I really did not want to die. I called my husband at work, then he immediately came home and took me to the hospital. When I was admitted to the ICU, I was given a cup of charcoal to drink. The nurse told me that if I threw up the charcoal, they would have to take drastic measures by pumping my stomach which sounded horrifying. I was determined to keep the charcoal down. For the remainder of the night, I was hooked up to a machine and refused to fall asleep. I was afraid that falling asleep would kill me.

My suicide attempt caused my husband and his family a lot of anger toward me. His sister thought I was too unstable to babysit her girls. My mother-in-law was going to give my husband and me tickets to Disneyland for my birthday which would be next month, but the suicidal attempt changed her mind. I felt a lot of guilt and this failed attempt seemed worse than being dead. Though I lived, I still had suicidal thoughts and had to try several different antidepressants before settling on the one I’ve been taking for 18 years now. Almost two years after that failed attempt, I got divorced which is much better than being dead.