#YouAreEnough30 Blog Challenge: Days 21 & 22
Day 21: Also, in Chapter Fifteen, I talk about falling for a “lost boy,” someone who was too broken and too selfish to ever be able to love me like I deserved. Talk about your own experiences with a Lost Boy. What did he teach you? And how did you learn and grow from finally letting him go?
November 21, 2018: Throughout my life (starting as a teenager), I liked guys who did not know I existed or if they knew I existed, they were not interested in me. I consider them “lost boys” because they could not find me. The “lost boy” to take the cake of all the “lost boys” I’ve liked was J. I had a huge crush on him in junior high. I pinned my hopes on him: hopes that he would like me and do something about it. I wanted to believe he liked me, but I doubt that he ever did. If he did, maybe he was too shy to do something about it or his friends discouraged him from pursuing me because I was not part of their crowd.
Over the years since junior high, I wanted to believe that J and I were like Romeo and Juliet, destined to be together but forbidden to by others in our lives. I used to believe he was the one that got away and I carried that belief into my first marriage. Four years after high school, I married my ex-husband hoping to get over that hurtful rejection.
I cannot say that J taught me anything great. His rejection reinforced in me that I wasn’t enough for any guy to want me. What I learned through this experience is that first-time rejection leaves a lasting impact but how I perceive it matters more than the rejection itself. Though my friends in junior high and high school kept telling me there were other fish in the sea, I wanted to cling to J. I was more hung up on the idea of him and not him as a person.
The silent, yet public rejection I received from J at the end of junior high was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life. I felt like a failure. I saw myself as defective. If one guy rejected me, I felt unworthy of any other guy’s attention and undesirable to the opposite sex. If J did not like me, would any other guy ever like me? That rejection took nearly 20 years for me to completely overcome and to realized that “Rejection is NOT a reflection of who I am.”
Instead, I think rejecting someone is a reflection of who the rejecter is. Several people told me they though J acted like a jerk by letting everyone around him think that something was going on with us when it wasn’t. Even one of his former friends agreed he behaved like a jerk.
However, I need to show some sensitivity toward J, even though it’s been more than 25 years since this incident. I no longer recall the exact words someone told me about J’s feelings regarding the rejection, but more than 20 years later, I finally realized that his rejection of me was not about me. This person told me that J was uncomfortable with everyone around him talking about the situation and making a bigger deal about it than either of us ever did. Finally comprehending and acknowledging what this person told me years ago finally freed me and helped me to let go of what was never meant to be.
Day 22: In Chapter Sixteen, I discuss “Why We Cling to People Who Don’t Love Us.” Talk about a time when you clung to someone who didn’t love you, why you think you had such a hard time letting go, and how you finally tapped into your inner “enough-ness” to walk away.
November 22, 2018: I find it interesting how I had no interest in clinging to the men who I had been in relationships with or briefly dated. When you experience a person, character flaws and all, you know what you’re getting yourself into. However, when you fantasize about someone you don’t know as well, you don’t know their character defects and can easily imagine them however you want.
I found it easier to cling to guys I fantasized about regardless of whether they knew me or not. I never had a relationship with J but clinging to the idea of him felt safer than engaging in a real relationship. In spite of the humiliating silent, yet public rejection I received from J, I still clung to hope that as we matured into high school, maybe he would come around and notice the wonderful, smart, attractive girl that I wanted to believe I was.
I hardly had any dating opportunities because guys rarely asked me out in school. I wasn’t allowed to date guys that were two grades ahead or out of high school. I decided to stick to my fantasies about J or any other “lost boy” for that matter because in my mind, I was enough for someone. I felt much safer with those fantasies than being in a real-life relationship with someone. But, a real-life relationship meant taking risks such as the possibility of facing rejection, being treated badly, or feeling pressure to do things I was not comfortable doing.
Letting go of J was a gradual process that did not happen overnight. After high school graduation, he moved away and stayed away so I knew I had to move on. If I was ever asked out or fixed up with someone, I took advantage of those seemingly rare opportunities. I got married, but when that didn’t work out, I reverted back to fantasies. After all, the reality of a bad relationship turned me off from the possibility of real experiences in love.
As I mentioned in yesterday’s entry, acknowledging that the rejection was not about me helped me to realize that I am already enough. I don’t need the approval of a crush or relationship to prove my enough-ness. I’ve already got it because God gave me His approval when I accepted His Son as my savior!
