#YouAreEnough30 Blog Challenge: Days 10 & 11

Day 10: In Chapter Seven, I talk about my experience with spiraling into clinical depression. Talk about your own experiences with depression, anxiety, or any other mental health struggle. If you haven’t been affected personally, share your insights into how you stay mentally healthy.

November 10, 2018: I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I used to think these feelings were just a part of my personality or they were hereditary until my junior year of high school when I started having more crying spells for no specific reason. I also started experiencing suicidal thoughts. As I look back on that time in my life, I’m not sure that I truly felt suicidal. I may have used these thoughts as a way to manipulate my mom into letting me stay home from school which felt like a living nightmare at times. These suicidal thoughts worried my mother and my psychiatrist so I was admitted to a psych hospital in the nearest big city from my hometown. I stayed there for three weeks and started taking antidepressants.

My struggles with mental illness did not end with medication and ongoing therapy. Or even after I accepted Jesus as my savior at the end of my junior year. Though all three things help me to cope with life’s difficulties. Without any of them, I don’t want to fathom how I would be.

Another mental health issue I struggle with is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I did not have this issue until I was thirty. The PTSD was the result of the abuse from my first marriage. Three years after my divorce, I started having nightmares about the abuse and startled easily, especially if someone came up behind me and called my name. I felt on edge a lot and wasn’t sure why until I sought counseling. At that time, I lived in a city with no family nearby so I felt lonesome, but managed to work full-time, get involved in church, and form friendships through both my work and church. Plus, I had my basset hound Claire as a great source of comfort and companionship. All these things helped with the PTSD and eventually, I stopped having nightmares about the abuse. There are still times when I struggle with the PTSD, especially after the last two car accidents I have been in in less than a two-year period.

As for experiencing depression and anxiety, I struggle more when I go through stressful situations and I try to focus more on my relationship with God. He always helps me through trials.

For many years, I felt ashamed of struggling with mental illness because I’m a Christian and had been told, “If you have more faith in Jesus, if you pray more, read your Bible more, then you won’t have to be on antidepressants.” In the last year, I decided that I will use my struggles with mental illness as part of my ministry. I gave my testimony at Celebrate Recovery three times this year and feel freer each time I do so. We all have struggles in life, but we have Someone greater who can restore us.

Day 11: In Chapter Eight, I share all the reasons why I think I’m still single, the good…the bad…the ugly. Talk about all the reasons why you think you’re still single. Don’t be afraid to be really real and raw and honest. If you’re not still single, talk about a time when you were single and lonely and afraid that love would never arrive.

November 11, 2018: I am single because my ex-fiance and I broke up almost three months ago. Before we started dating, I had been single for 15 years. Most of my life I have been single, except for the years 1998-2002 and 2017-2018.

I used to think something was wrong with me because I had been single for a long time. When I was a teenager, I rarely got asked out by guys. When I did get asked out, it was usually as a joke which made me question my self-worth. Toward the end of my senior year of high school, I finally discovered why I hardly got asked out on dates. Somehow, I had a reputation for refusing to put out. I don’t know how that came about, but years later, I am so grateful and I know God had been looking out for me. I did not experience the heartache of losing my virginity to someone who just wanted sex and not a relationship like a lot of teenage girls did. I just hated feeling invisible and unwanted by the opposite sex. Maybe men did not find me attractive enough to want to ask me for a date.

Here are some logical and more realistic reasons why I’m single: Throughout the fifteen years between my divorce and last relationship, I was super-picky and afraid of getting hurt again. Subconsciously, I put up walls to protect my heart from further pain. I was afraid that all men were abusive sex addicts like my ex-husband and not willing to be celibate in a non-marital relationship. The men people tried to fix me up with were too old for me and/or I was just not interested in them. I refused to settle for someone just because he showed interest in me and was available; I wanted to be interested in him as well. I had a lengthy list of what I wanted in a relationship and I admit that I was a bit shallow when it came to looks and money.

Here I am....single again. Now, I’m enjoying the single life. After barely getting out of an engagement, I don’t want to mess with dating for a while. I’m enjoying my newfound freedom again and can focus on what I want for me. I realize more than ever that being single is not a prison sentence; it’s just a season in my life. Though I did not expect to find myself single again, I’m doing great for myself. I just want to enjoy the ride of life regardless of my relationship status.