Reminders for Myself Not to Repeat the Same Mistakes
These short Facebook posts from March 5, 2017 are reminders to me about my past.
1. A new relationship will never be the answer to our loneliness. We must learn to be content while single before pursuing anyone else. @Godlydating101
Loneliness causes us to settle for what's available. If you know you are not interested in someone (even though it seems they are the only other available person in your realm and/or you have not had a date in years), do not settle with them because you are not doing yourself a favor or them a favor as well. Sure, you can be friends if you want. #tiredofwaitingButwantGodsbest4me
As I work on personal inventory for my Celebrate Recovery, I recall that loneliness was one of many things that led me to enter in to a relationship that was not good for me. At that time, I was a naïve 22-year-old virgin who hardly dated. I felt like a loser because guys rarely asked me out and I could not help but think that something was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, or enough of anything? Although I believed in God and received the call to salvation at the age of 17, I did not understand that God’s love was all I needed. Instead, I sought man’s approval. Isn’t that what made a woman complete? To finally find the love of a man? At first, I thought the love and approval of a man would cure my loneliness and ease my insecurities about myself. Instead, this relationship I entered in to, increased my loneliness and my insecurities grew.
Three-and-a-half years with this man brought out the worst in me. At first, everything in the relationship seemed great. D said all the right things by telling me how beautiful and perfect I was and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I knew these words were lines many guys said to get what they wanted from a woman, but I enjoyed hearing them. I had never been told I was beautiful by a man of interest. Though family members and friends told me that, this compliment did not seem to hold true to me unless this man (my man) told me so. Not only did D say all the right words to pique my interest and make me feel good about myself, he showered me with presents, attention, and affection. Eventually, the constant praise, presents, attention, and affection started to make me feel smothered and I silently questioned his motives. Was I worthy of such attention and praise? No other guy ever said such great things to me or ever went out of his way to be there for me so I could not help but feel suspicious that D was mainly after sex. If my self-worth had been more and I did not have so many insecurities when I met D, maybe I would not have questioned his motives for pursuing me. I’ll never know because I can never go back to the innocence of being a young woman, now that I am 40 and somewhat cynical.
Despite the wonderful things D said and did, I sensed that he was frustrated with me for not giving in to him sexually. As our relationship progressed, he seemed to become possessive of my free time and believed it should be spent only with him. Before I met him, I had considered myself to be someone who valued alone time and did not always need company. As much as I wanted to be in a relationship and make it work, I still wanted time to myself. I did not set boundaries with D because I was afraid I would lose him and maybe lose my only chance at ever finding another man to love me. I did not quite understand the meaning of compromise and began to lose myself through this relationship.
2. Marriage is more than finding "happiness". Happiness is a feeling that's based on what happens to us. Joy is a choice, and we find true joy in Christ. You'll never be happy outside of the will of God, even if you're married. #Godlydating101
I was living outside of God's will during my first marriage because I was not happy at all during that time. #waitingonGodsperfecttiming
I married D for the wrong reasons: mainly out of loneliness and believing I would never find another man who loved me as much as he claimed to love me. I thought marrying D would make me happy because while we dated I believed he was the one for me. I thought this four months into the relationship and was on cloud nine. Those first four months of dating felt like a fairy tale, yet I had a feeling reality would come crashing down on me. After six months of dating, D proposed to me and I said yes. I could not wait to be married so I could have sex without feeling guilty. At the time of our engagement, we had not had sex but we did almost everything else physically. I believed marriage would be great because maybe D would have more direction in his life and become the man I thought he should be (hard-working, ambitious, goal-oriented, independent of his mother). I had yet to learn that you should not go into a marriage hoping the other person will change for the better or in his case, he did not want me to change. D wanted to keep me right where I was: insecure and dependent upon his approval of who he thought I should be. Though he never verbalized it, D seemed to want me to be at his beck and call 24/7 and not have any interests of my own. He did not like it when I spent my free time without him. I could never get him to understand that as an introvert I liked to have time to myself by exercising alone, going to the library, walking around the mall at my own pace, or going to see a chick flick alone. Having time to myself did not mean I did not enjoy spending time with him because I did enjoy doing things with him, but too much togetherness smothered me and made me resent him.
Though D and I were both saved Christians, we did not put God at the center of our relationship and as I’ve learned over the years, our marriage was outside of God’s will. We got married by a pastor from our church and attended church together. We were even baptized together, but we just did not follow through on putting God first in the relationship. Maybe, somewhere deep in my conscience, I knew that this marriage was just a sham and should have never taken place. I repent of this now as I’m writing about it. I used marriage to make me feel good about myself.
After being away from this relationship for nearly fifteen years now, I have had to remind myself that whatever loneliness I experience and insecurities I feel have nothing to do with whether any man wants me or not. This all has something to do with how I feel about myself and my relationship with God. After rededicating my life to Christ as my marriage ended, I still have not arrived yet in a perfect Christian lifestyle. I am grateful to say that I have remained celibate and intend to stay that way until I remarry (hopefully that will be in the very near future). I do get frustrated because I have not found that godly single age-appropriate man in which the feelings are mutual between us and at times, I wonder if maybe God wants to keep me single for life. Since I do not want the latter and have constantly prayed (I have prayed so much that all the golden bowls in Heaven are overflowing with those prayers -Revelation 5:8). I also must remind myself that what I’m dealing with is only temporary and I must focus on God rather than my circumstances. Had I gotten that right years ago, maybe I would already be blessed with a godly man. I’ll never know because God is at work on both of us and His ways are far greater than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). I just know that I do not want to fall back into old ways such as settling for just any man knowing he’s not the right man for me.
