PTSD: Driving and Dating
On Monday January 16, 2017, I was the victim of a hit-and-run car accident. As I was turning right, a large white truck ran into me and did not even stop to see if I was alright. My car spun around but I was able to get it to stop without crashing into anything or anyone. Thankfully I did not experience any serious injuries, but the trunk of my car is beyond damaged. It’s so hard to fix because of the age and make of my car. I was able to drive it to my friend’s house, then later I drove it to the auto body shop. However, the driving was not easy because the trunk had to be tied down and it felt uncomfortable to drive. I felt scared and somewhat traumatized by the accident. While this is not the first time I was involved in a car accident I feel more shaken up because this driver could be doing the very same thing to another person.
In spite of experiencing a somewhat horrible car accident and feeling a bit hesitant to drive, I know I must move forward because I have places to go and things to do. I do not want to depend on my mother to take me everywhere. While my 1998 gold Cadillac Deville is beyond repair, I must find another reliable, affordable vehicle to drive. Just like moving on in future relationships.
Just as I thought I had conquered post-traumatic disorder (PTSD) from the abuse of an unhealthy relationship, this hit-and-run accident suddenly crept up on me. While the thought of driving around in an unfamiliar rental car that has been to Mississippi (somewhere I've never been) overwhelms me a bit, I must tough it out and seek God’s help to navigate me through the streets of my town. The same goes for moving on from an abusive relationship. This abusive relationship ended nearly fifteen years ago. Now, I am more than ready to move on and try online dating (and in-person dating). Although I’ve tried online dating several times in the last thirteen years, I feel more determined to get out there and actually go on a real date. I am doing it afraid, just like I am driving a different car afraid.
Similarities between a car accident and an abusive relationship:
1. Feelings of being violated and helplessness
The hit-and-run shook me up and I felt violated because the other driver took off without any consideration for my safety. Law enforcement cannot seem to do much because no one (except the guilty driver) knows who caused the accident. In the abusive relationship, I felt violated when my ex took advantage of me sexually without my consent. Both circumstances involved the other party not caring about my safety and my feelings. I also felt helpless in both cases because I never got a good look at the driver so I am not able to find him. As for the relationship, I felt too ashamed to report my ex because I did not think law enforcement could do anything about it. While he did not rape me in the legal sense, he violated my body and my trust. I want the driver to pay for what he did to me. Even if he eventually gets caught, there does not seem much for law enforcement to do. For a long time, I wanted my ex to pay for the way he treated me. However, I must focus on forgiveness. I need to forgive the unknown driver who took off just the way I forgave my ex for what he did to me.
2. White trucks and men all seem the same
At this point, I feel as though I will never look at a large white truck the same. There are so many people in my town who drive white trucks. The majority of these drivers work in the oil and gas industry so it is not easy to spot the culprit that ran into me. These last few days, I have been on the lookout for a white truck with a damaged front fender. As for men, I had difficulty trusting any single one enough to date because I was afraid of enduring more abuse. For the longest time, I was scared to date or get close to another man. I was suspicious of most men just as I am now suspicious of white trucks. I hate large white trucks, but I know they will not intentionally hurt me.
3. Trust issues on the road and in life
During these last few days since my car accident, I have become somewhat suspicious of other drivers. What if they run into me because they don’t care how fast they are going or what if I’m not being cautious enough? Same with dating and men. Well, to make a long story short and keeping a few things confidential, I encountered another incident that has caused me to trust the male species even less. It does not really have to do with my dating life; just unwanted advances from a man who does not have any business going after me or any other woman for that matter. Again, I feel violated and helpless. While I could allow my trust issues with driving and men to get in the way of my life’s destinies, I feel somewhat determined to move forward.
4. PTSD in both cases
In spite of the loud noise and the spinning around in my car during my accident, I had to force myself to drive. When it came to relationships with men, I did not have to be in a hurry to get out there and date soon after the divorce. Now that it has been nearly fifteen years since the relationship ended and at forty with a ticking biological clock, I do not have time to waste. Therefore, I am making an effort to date again.
The thing about PTSD is that the symptoms do not immediately show up after a traumatic event. About a day after the accident, I started feeling some body aches and a headache. I felt as though my body had just run a marathon. As for the end of the relationship, I felt like I was running on almost empty but I could not stop. I had to get myself and my dog physically moved out of the place I had shared with my ex. I also had to get my financial and legal affairs in order. I somehow managed to make a new life for my dog and me a few months after leaving the relationship. Nearly four years after the divorce, I started dealing with anxiety and nightmares from the abuse. At that time, I did not know I was struggling with PTSD until I sought counseling. Did that mean I was not over the divorce? Maybe the PTSD was just part of the healing process. How was it that many women who left abusive relationships could move on more easily than I have been able to? Same for driving. There are plenty of people so traumatized by bad automobile accidents that they refuse to drive again. I could easily become one of those people, but I know I cannot live in fear when it comes to driving. I have a job to go to several days a week, places to visit, and many things to do that require me to travel around town. I cannot rely on my mother to be my personal taxi service. Yet, I find it much easier to get back out there and drive than I do when it comes to dating.
As for right now, I do not feel like I’m in physical pain. Now I feel the anxiety and PTSD kicking in. So now is not the time for me to run away and avoid reality. I am asking God to help me to move forward on the road and on life’s journey.
