Shoe Shopping and Dating
The older I get, the more set in my ways I have become. I also don’t like shopping for clothes and shoes like I used to in my younger days (my twenties). Same goes for dating. Back in my early twenties and before I met my ex-husband, it seemed like there were a lot more single men to choose from. At that time, I was not living for God so I looked in the bars and through my job (I was a hairstylist) hoping to find some eligible men. I was not looking to get married but hoped to someday. Even though I was not attending church and/or reading my bible, I still had the strong belief to save sex for marriage, so of course I wanted to get married in order to experience sex without feeling guilty. Just like dating in my early twenties (which I did not do much of), shopping for shoes was fun. Since I have always been a frugal shopper, I went to cheaper stores and looked for sales to buy my shoes. I wore a regular size nine in women’s which was not always easy to find because size seven is the most common shoe size for women. As a young woman with some strong convictions and a painful past, I felt as though finding a kind, caring man around my age was hard just like finding size nine shoes among a large selection of size sevens and smaller.
Now that I am forty and divorced for over fourteen years, the selection of finding single, age-appropriate Christian men is harder. My shoe size has slightly increased as well thanks to gravity. I now wear a 9W to a 9 ½ Regular or Wide depending on the shoe. Just as I am trying to navigate online and in-person dating (no successful attempts just yet), I struggle to find a wide-width shoe just right for me. Today I expressed to the salesperson (a younger woman) about my frustration in finding shoes. She informed me that there was not a large selection of wide-width shoes, but more regular-sized shoes are being manufactured to fit wider feet. I just needed to try on shoes in my number size. I told her, “This sounds a lot like dating.” She agreed that shoe shopping and dating are synonymous.
Here's how the two are alike:
1. I’m so NOT a typical woman because shoe shopping does not thrill me so much anymore just like the process of dating is so NOT fun. Just like magically finding the right pair of shoes that fit comfortably and look good, I wish God just brought the right man to me without me having to go through the dating process of finding him. Now that I’m living my life for Christ and I’m at a place where I want to settle down and have a family of my own, my standards for the right man are more specific yet the choices seem limited. I think it’s due to my age (many Christian men around my age are married) and the fact that I live in a slightly smaller town. It’s not like I found anyone during my younger years while I lived in larger cities (except for my ex). I could settle for the choices I find at the bars hoping to get at least one available man to serve Christ (sorry, but I am against using dating as a way to get people to come to know the Lord) and force us to be compatible. I could always settle for a nice available, but much older Christian man (late forties and older) but I am not comfortable being with someone who’s age is much greater or smaller than my forty years. Just like I know what kind of shoes I like, I know what kind of men I like. My favorite kind of shoes are casual, yet comfortable and somewhat stylish (but not trendy) as the type of man I want is a Christian closer to my age whom I am compatible with as well as attracted to.
2. Every size 9W to 9 ½W does not fit the same and all single age-appropriate Christian men are not the same. I just wish that every shoe in my size fit the same because I don’t like taking the time to try them on (I would much rather be in a bookstore). I’ve learned that picking out a Christian man who has qualities I like does not guarantee that he is my Mr. Right. In order to know whether we are compatible, I have to talk to him and maybe go on a real date with him (not have a virtual relationship). Maybe someone I would not pick out on a dating site or even consider my type could be exactly what I like. That’s why I need to be open to new experiences rather than sticking to my comfort zone of the same old, same old every day. Just like I need to venture out to new shoe stores rather than go to the same ones because I am familiar with their prices and sales.
About sixteen years ago, I bought some super comfortable shoes to wear to work. They were white clogs which were designed for professions such as nursing and cosmetology (any job requiring hours of standing). They looked okay, but I thought my feet looked huge like Mickey Mouse’s. These shoes were like being with someone you are comfortable with, but there is no chemistry and you’re better off being just friends. These shoes were not very stylish, but would have been more suitable to wear with nurses’ scrubs. Not only do I want my shoes to feel comfortable enough to stand and walk around in, I also want them to look good with whatever I am wearing. Just like I want the man I marry to be someone I feel comfortable with, but also attracted to. How will I know when it comes to both? Try the shoes on, then walk around and stand in them for a bit. Talk to the guy and get to know him by going to dinner with him. Both need an equal amount of substance and style.
3. You have to try some shoes before you find the right fit and if you’re like me, you may have to get acquainted with several different men before you meet the right one. Often when looking for shoes, I know the styles and colors I like. If I think a shoe looks ugly (I don’t like clunky, heavy shoes) and/or uncomfortable (I don’t like heels), I pass over it. Just like with online dating, I pass over men who are not Christians, don’t want children, and/or are much older or younger than I am. The sad thing about wide-width shoes is that many of them are ugly; they’re either all black or all white and are a style worn by senior citizens. Finding a wide-width pair that looks appealing is challenging just like finding a single man I can click with. Throughout my years of being single-again, I have met a fair number of potential dates but I just did not click with any of them. In some cases, we were more compatible as friends or acquaintances. When it comes to finding the right wide-width shoe, they cost more and are harder to find. Same with finding the kind of man I want. When you are particular about who and what you want, you have to wait longer, shop in a bigger city where there are more shoe stores and single men, and be able to afford the shoes.
When I was visiting family in the Phoenix area, my aunt told me about two shoe stores that specialize in wide-width sizes. I was excited just like I get excited about going to a larger church and seeing the larger selection of single men. Well, I hit the jackpot at both shoe stores and bought two pairs of shoes. They were a bit expensive but they were also comfortable and attractive. These shoes will definitely last longer than what I would find in a store where everything was much cheaper. Same goes for the type of man you want. If you’re wanting a man with great qualities who will be in it with you for the long haul, do not settle for the bar scene. Yeah, there are probably more available single people who frequent those places but do any of them have the qualities you are looking for that will sustain a long-lasting relationship? While church is a more suitable place to find someone, there is no guarantee. When I went to those specialty shoe stores, I saw tons of great looking and comfortable shoes. Yet, I had to try them on to feel them and see how they looked on me. I did not try only size 9W. I had to try a 9 ½W as well. Some 9Ws fit okay, while some 9 ½Ws fit better and vice versa.
4. Out of desperation and frustration, you can settle for the wrong pair of shoes just like settling for the wrong, but available man. Unlike a majority of women, I do not own a large number of shoes. I think the most I own is around twenty. It’s so interesting that my minimalistic attitude toward shoes parallels with my choosiness in selecting men. Some women I have encountered have an abundance of shoes because they find them on sale thinking they have to have them, like the way they look but don’t necessarily fit properly, and maybe they just have a shoe-shopping addiction. Just like a number of people (not only women) get involved with someone just because they are available, regardless of whether the person is compatible and/or they are addicted to being in a relationship. I have been guilty of buying shoes just because of sales (It’s hard to resist the buy two, get one at half-price kind of deal) and their attractiveness. I have also bought shoes out of desperation and frustration of going to numerous stores without finding what I like and as I was in need of a new pair, I just settled for what was affordable and comfortable, but not what I truly liked. It can get easy to do that when your desire for marriage is strong. I admit that at times I feel desperate because I’m not getting younger and I would really love to have a baby while I still have eggs left, but I do not want to pick just any man because I’m afraid he may be the only choice. That’s why I had married my ex. Though I was only twenty-three and not ready to have children, I wanted to be married and thought I would never find anyone else. While I make sure my shoes fit properly, I feel guilty when I buy them and hardly end up wearing them. When it comes to finding the right man, I want to make sure we are both in it for the long-haul just like the pair of shoes I buy. Some of my pairs have lasted for several years (I want my second and final marriage to last much longer than that).
Now that I found a casual, yet comfortable pair of size 9 ½ shoes (got them on sale), I am looking forward to wearing them! I wish I could say the same about dating (mostly online dating that is). After trying online dating again (for the fourth time in thirteen years) over the last few days, I am feeling discouraged and about ready to throw in the towel (I’m going to have to get creative as to how to find someone suitable for me without having to move away). Since I paid for one month to two different dating sites, I will stick it out for the month. While shoe shopping and the process of dating are not pleasant for me, I would have to choose shoe shopping over the dating process any day of the week.
