Time for Changes

I don't know if this is because spring is in the air which is when there happens to be lots of changes in life. The school year is coming to an end. The flowers are blooming and the trees are getting their green leaves again. Life brings changes every day whether they are good or bad, scary or exciting, or all of the above. In my last blog, I talked about some thought changing views about my singleness and realizing that being single is not a problem. However, in the last month, I am realizing that I have remained stuck in my singleness for a long time. I have viewed it as a character defect. For a number of years, I've often been told to learn to be content as a single person. Well, I think I might have perfected that to the point where this has become my comfort zone. I'm so comfortable being single that I am petrified to change my ways. I don't want to go looking for someone because I believe God will bring the right person in His timing, yet I cannot remain afraid of the prospect of dating or trying to get my feet wet by getting to know other men. I am also realizing that I can no longer make excuses, which I have made many throughout the years. Some of these excuses include: There really isn't many single men around my age in my hometown (I cannot use that excuse anymore because the population is increasing a bit). Single men don't go to church and I refuse to enter the bar scene (Church does not have to be the only place to meet godly men and while the bar is not a place I want to go to, there are other places I can go to meet people). I am just not one of the lucky women who can easily get a guy without trying or I try to hard (I've got to find a middle ground). The worst excuse I have used for remaining single is horrible past experiences such as the abuse in my former marriage and other bad experiences with men. While I may appear to do all the right things which single Christians should be doing such as not engaging in premarital sex, relationship hopping, and compromising values and standards in exchange for companionship, I am using my spirituality as an excuse. I tend to find myself interested in single men (who are Christians) whom I don't see often and usually have to be the one to initiate contact because I feel in control and safe. When I sense that a man shows interest or seems to want to pursue me, I subconsciously back away because I am scared. I am scared that he might try to take advantage of me the way my ex did. I don't want anyone (especially men) to interfere with my boundaries. Yet, I have not allowed another man (since my ex) to get close enough for me to know what my boundaries are. How soon are they supposed to know that I do not want to kiss on the first date or even the third date? Maybe I don't want to let a man kiss me until I believe that he may be the one I want to spend my life with? When should I tell them I do not believe in premarital sex? I think one of the biggest mistakes I have made is telling them up front because they bolt when they know I am a practicing Christian who refuses to engage in premarital sex. It's been more than ten years since I had to be upfront about it. I had to set some boundaries because some man was trying to put the moves on me. He was respectful that evening, but I never heard from him again. Oh well, I had thought. That meant he was not the one. Many people (including Christian men) have told me that it does not matter if a man is a Christian, he will try to push a woman's boundaries. So, in my mind, no man is really safe to me, unless I'm related to him or he's married to one of my friends. Even the men old enough to be my father try to put the moves on me, when I think they should go after someone their own age. (Just my opinion). After a visit with my counselor yesterday and a iron-sharpening talk with a friend the day before, I am seeing the changes in me that need to be made. I am frightened and no longer feel that I can be safe again. If I did not want to be married with a family of my own, I may just be happy to remain single and avoid men (except in a platonic way). Yet, I cannot do that because the desire for marriage and a family is attached to my heart. Unfortunately, my fears have overpowered those desires and while I thought that at least I was not making the same stupid relationship mistakes like a lot of people, I have been making different kind of mistakes. For example, instead of completely letting my guard down and compromising my Christian beliefs, I went to the opposite end after my divorce. I put up far more than boundaries; I put up walls so high that a man would have to climb up far into the sky just to reach me. One of the big changes in my life will be turning 40 in June. This feels kind of scary because I know that time is running out and I really want to be married with a baby of my own. I am mad at myself for allowing fear to overtake my desires. In order to make the changes I need to make, I feel that I am in a race against time and that makes me even more hesitant to change. Not only do I need to make a few changes in my physical appearance (wear more makeup, spend more time on my hair) but I also need to step out of my comfort zone and pay more attention to other single men and forget about the one who leaves all the initiating up to me. I'll still be friends with that one man, but I feel that I must move on and find someone who wants a relationship with me. I also want a relationship with him (whomever he is). I believe I can still have my standards and preferences yet I need to give more men a chance. In the past, I have not liked the choices people have wanted for me because the men were either too old for me, lived too far away, or they did not share my Christian beliefs. While age difference, geographical distance, and differing spiritual views may not matter to some (or many) people, they matter to me. I want a man closer to my age because I want someone I can grow old with and hopefully raise a family with. I don't want someone that lives too far away, unless I may already know them and the right man must share the same spiritual beliefs as me. The Bible says that people should not be unequally yoked. Even though my first husband was a Christian, neither one of us put God in the center of our relationship. This next time around, I want a man who loves God and puts Him first in his life. For those of you who might be reading this post, please keep me in prayer and I pray for those of you who need a push in the right direction that God will give you boldness, wisdom, and discernment in making the right changes.