Enjoy Being Single
I'm back! I know it's been awhile since my last post but life had been hectic with college, work, and church activities. Yet as usual, my mind is busy with lots of thoughts and ideas to write about. Lately, I feel that God has been giving me a lot of personal revelations, some which are too intense to reveal in this blog. In less than three months, I will be turning the big 4-0. This should not be dreaded because at least I'm here to celebrate another birthday and begin a new decade. Although I am not where I had hoped to be by this age, I still believe that God is not finished with fulfilling my biggest hopes and dreams. The other week as I attended a women's conference at a local church, God reminded me that if I feel that I have to make something happen within a certain amount of time, then it is not from Him. During my early 20s, I pulled a Sarah (Abraham's wife) by getting married to my ex (who I now refer to as my Ishmael) because I thought that he was my only chance at finding love. Note: For those of you who might not be familiar with the book of Genesis, Sarah was past childbearing age when God told her husband Abraham that they would have a child of their own. Yet it would be a number of years before their promised child Isaac was born. In the meantime, Sarah was getting impatient and insisted that her maid Hagar sleep with Abraham so she could bear a child (whom was Ishmael). Sarah never consulted God on this matter and thought she was helping God by making things happen in a certain amount of time because she still had not gotten pregnant. Well, my Ishmael marriage only lasted less that three years in which some abuse occurred and I knew it was for the better that I leave. Now, it has been almost fourteen years since my divorce and I still have not had a single relationship. Off and on throughout my single-again years, I had thought that something was wrong with me. I am a nice-looking woman, intelligent, kind, and have a lot of great qualities. So why has there not been anyone for me? I have been through counseling to help me get past the trauma of an abusive relationship (my marriage) and deal with my insecurities. Just yesterday as I was in a counseling session, I had an epiphany! As I was explaining again how hard it was for me to find the right man and it just did not make sense to me how so many people around me can easily find someone, my counselor told me something profound. Oh yeah, I've heard it several times but it did not quite sink in until yesterday. She said something like this to me, "Every one can have someone and find someone easily when they do not set boundaries and hook up with the first person they see." In the past people have told me I could have any guy I wanted. I just have to go to a bar and poof I can find anyone, but I have standards and I do not want just anyone. My counselor also told me that she counsels many women who are in all types of unhealthy relationships because they think they need someone in order to be happy. Yet, they are not happy in their relationships. A previous psychiatrist I had seen in the past told me that 95% of people he has counseled feel they have to have a relationship in order to be happy. Yet, they are not happy. So, maybe I do not have a problem after all. I would rather be the person who has difficulty finding someone than those who are constantly in relationships that are unhealthy and unhappy. I also know that I need to continue working on being happy regardless of my relationship status. Throughout these last fourteen years, I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I deal with, yet I need to not mistake contentment with comfort. If I remain too comfortable in my life, it will be difficult for me to move forward. For now I am trying to discern between contentment and comfort. At this point in my life, I am okay where I am at and turning 40 is not so scary to me after all. Even though my biological clocking is ticking, I am not so desperate to find someone just so I can hurry up with marriage and try to pop out a baby before my eggs run out. God knows the desires of my heart and I believe that in His perfect timing, I will be married and have a baby in the near future. Yet, I am no longer on the hunt to find a man because God will bring him when the time is right. What does the right time look like? In the past, people have told me that God would not bring the right man to me until I was completely healed from my divorce or until I was perfectly operating in my spiritual gifts. If that was really the case, then many people would still be single. I have come to realize that I do not have to have it all together in order for the right man to come along. I am still working on being at my best with God's help and living my life for Him.
